NFL Daily Presents: Analytical Assault Week 8

Last week was a pretty boring week, but it gives us things to look forward to. Like that big game on Sunday in Indy, for instance. Gregg Easterbrook and Chris Mortensen share some insight today, as I proceed to brutally assault you. Trick or treat? Why not both!

Flash Forward
"it's like playing the Bachelor game with three fat and ugly chicks"
"It's so simple, that even Miss Teen South Carolina could understand"
"Those gray pants make them look slow"
"I swear Quinn Gray is the perfect soap opera name"
"No recount here"
"suicide watch week in the greater Denver area"


-Lions and 5-2? Usually I'd be called drunk, retarded, or maybe dyslexic. But Brian Griese critical errors allowed Detroit to win despite playing a fairly average game. They did hold the ball for almost 35 minutes, but Griese was picked off three times in the end zone! Kitna was efficient and Kevin Jones ran the ball well, two things that cannot be said for Chicago's "skill" players. Are we ready for the Kyle Orton era? With the QB's in the Windy City, it's like playing the Bachelor game show with three fat and ugly chicks. You lose no matter who you choose. At 3-5, the Bears are continuing the trend of Super Bowl losers doing poorly the next season.
-The Bengals are toast, as is Marvin Lewis. They play in a competetive division, and this is a game they had to have. The key to success for the Steelers is controlling the clock and limiting Big Ben's throws. 32 minutes of ball control, check. 26 throws for Roethlisberger, check. Win, check. It's so simple, that even Miss Teen South Carolina could understand. Parker had a very good game, Ward and Holmes were excellent, and Carson Palmer and co just didn't have enough. Kenny Watson was good, but their run defense sucks it long and hard (Trebeck). The Steelers are legit, folks.
-It was a good, defensive battle but the Titans run D turned out to be the difference. They held Oakland to 3.4 yards a carry, and forced Daunte Culpepper to win the game, which he cannot do anymore. Vince Young only threw 14 times, but Tennessee ran it 36 times at 5.3 yards a clip and earned the victory. By no means are the Titans elite on offense, but their defense could carry them a long way. Jeff Fisher really knows how to get the most out of a football team.
-At least the Rams looked competetive on Sunday, and Cleveland looked good persevering and coming back from a 14-0 defecit. Steven Jackson was a huge spark for St Louis, but he got injured and they pretty much lost it after that. The passing offense was finally clicking for the Rams, but their defense has to get back up to speed. Cleveland committed 14 penalties, but Anderson to Edwards sounds pretty good; music to the Dawg Pounds' ears. Cleveland is in the playoff picture.
-That London game was awful, but the Giants got a win out of it. The passing stats may have been the worst I've ever seen, but Brandon Jacobs ran well, and New York capitalized off of turnovers. If Miami had a few more breaks, they would have come up with that one. Jesse Chatman looks like a keeper, but are the Giants for real at 6-2? Gregg Easterbrook has the answer, treat!
"I am not sold on the Giants. Among other things, those gray pants make them look slow."
Trick! Not only does TMQ diss their NFC hopes, he ranks on their fashion sense. New York may be sporting a good record, but we can see right through them.
-For all this talk about the Vikings defense, there's very little walk. McNabb was on fire along with Reggie Brown, and Adrian Peterson was very average. Let's do some crappy football math shall we? One crappy QB+ one crappy QB= crappy QB play. Minnesota needs some help in the draft, badly. Until they get their offense for their overrated defense or there could be trouble. If McNabb has turned the corner here, the Eagles could be dangerous the rest of the way.
-It started out well for Carolina, but Indianapolis got the big plays going with Reggie Wayne, and you can't turn it over 3 times and expect to beat the Colts. The Panthers had it for over 36 minutes, but they only got 4.1 yards per pass attempt which is woeful. And without Jake Delhomme, Steve Smith is invisible in this offense. It's inexcusable to only get your star two catches, and that's the fault of the QB's and the coaching staff. Smith is one of those players that you want the ball in his hands whenever possible. Do some trick plays, some direct snaps, this offense needs a spark. Until then, the Colts will be the Colts and the Panthers will be in trouble.
-Finally! Chad played stinky enough to get yanked! Too bad the move was made at 1-7. Buffalo is very respectable because they played hard and made the right move at QB. The Jets play with no passion, and their a bunch of losers. A lot of players said they don't like playing for Mangini. Thomas Jones played fairly well, but he has to pick up the team's QB play if they want to succeed. Lee Evans is cultivating a good relationship with Trent Edwards, which is vital. Unfortunately he's injured and Just Pathetic Losman will start next week. These are two teams in opposite directions.
-It put a big fat smile on my face to see the Chargers win big last week against Houston. The brothers Antonio, Gates and Cromartie scored twice each and the Bolts cruised. The Texans are like people who get put back in prison right after they get out: they never learn from their mistakes. The offensive line has been atrocious for the total time span of this franchise's existence, and that's why the QB's threw 4 picks. No protection leads to disease; in this situation, a severe case of losing. See another young QB trend: Phillip Rivers threw 11 times, they won by 25. This never fails!!!! The Chargers are hitting stride.
-Jags-Bucs was one of those old school, physical, grindout games. But J-Ville played this really well. They suffocated Tampa with the run, which is what they had to do with Quinn Gray at QB. The man I call the Soap Opera QB (I swear Quinn Gray is the perfect soap opera name) only needed to throw 16 times, and the defense was tremendous. They got an INT QB and with a 17-3 lead, Jeff Garcia had to throw 41 times, which is way too much for him and they lost; not a surprise.
-Can anyone stop New England? Bill Bellichik is angry, and they ran up the score on a helpless Washington team to the tune of 52 points. But then the Skins had to bitch and moan about how they got ran up on. Tell Randall Godfrey to just shut up, if you don't wanna get embarrassed, stop them! What say you, Chris Mortensen?
"If I had been in their shoes, I would have it taken like men publicly (which most of them did) and seethed privately for about 24 hours."
Better luck next time, Godfrey. In 4 years.
-Drew Brees and Marques Colston, welcome to NFL 2K7. You're a bit late, but you guys can still get back to the bizz and take the division. Brees and MC were sickdiculous, and Bush did his thing. Losing sign for the Niners, Smith had 43 throws, Gore had 12 runs. Man someone isn't winning the popular vote in this offense. No recount here, Bush destroys Gore, no Florida necessary.
-When I'm 65 with grandchildren and emperor of the sports universe, I'll tell them that I was privileged to witness the career of Brett Favre. Those two big pass plays bookended the game and ended a suicide watch week in the greater Denver area. Big ups to Jay Cutler and Jason Elam for that game tying drive, but they were only the coming attractions for the main show. It didn't last long, but a message was sent to the Broncos and the National Conference is on notice.