NFL Daily Presents: Analytical Assault Week 9

Flying solo like Jets wins, this is SOS AKA the Assault Man giving you the week's best, worst, and Ravens.

Flash Forward
"The Transexual Circus"
"millions of doses of Paxil and Zoloft are being sent to the Cincnatti area"
"and I don't mean that in a Manny Ramirez or a Dennis Kucinich way"
"does Norv wake up in the morning and try to be a moron?"
"like A-Rod rips up contracts"


-Goreless, the 49ers are a terrible team. They had a college QB at RB, and Michael Robinson could have played better than Alex Smith on Sunday. The lack of a rushing attack forced the regressing Alex Smith to throw a whopping 38 times with 3 picks, and was so bad that he made Joey Harrington look like Bart Starr. Warrick Dunn was the difference in this one, as was four Frisco turnovers that made it easy for Atlanta to win, which is of course vital in any rare Falcons victory. Usually two teams that can't score under the big top would be called The Transexual Circus, in the ATL, they call it football. I never thought I'd say this, but stick to the Hawks.
-The Bills are headed up, and the Bengals are headed for a large decline. Cincy ran the ball 17 times for 28 yards, and Chad Johnson was carted off the field. Sucks to be y'all. Carson Palmer is amazing, but he can't do it all himself. But a good running game and playing with effort opens things up. Promising tailback Marshawn Lynch ran for a buck fifty three and a TD and threw for a score. That opened it up for JP Losman to lob it deep for Lee Evans, who looked great. Big ups for Dick Jauron, who has this team competing for a postseason berth and is revitalizing the Wing City. Meanwhile, rumor has it that millions of doses of Paxil and Zoloft are being sent to the Cincinatti area, and Marvin Lewis is spending a lot of time on Monster and CareerBuilder.
-It was just one of those days for the Broncos, when your QB gets hurt and you're team gets dominated in every facet of the game. You get beat to the tune of 44-7. Mike Martz will be the coach in Cincy next season, and Rod Marinelli should be a legit Coach of the Year candidate. I won't go much further in ridiculing Denver, they're just a rebuilding project this year. Four turnovers against a top notch O always spells trouble.
-Dare I say the Tennessee Titans have the best defense in the National Football League. And I'm beginning to appreciate what Jake Delhomme meant to this Carolina team, because not only is David Carr playing like rat feces, Steve Smith had 3 catches for 15 yards! Inexcusable! Just throw it deep and let him catches, he needs the ball in his hands by any means necessary. Vince Young has definitely regressed this year, but his defense is so good that they don't need his theatrics to win. LenDale White had a good game, but the Panthers aren't playing competetive football right now.
-Brett Favre is special, and I don't mean that in a Manny Ramirez or a Dennis Kucinich way. he threw another game winning bomb to Greg Jennings, and then a pick six thrown by Damon Huard sealed the deal. Green Bay is 7-1 without a running game, that to me is amazing. And the Chiefs played well, they just happened to have been witnessing greatness. They were just in awe like the Pistons were at LeBron in last year's east finals. Let the ride continue for Green Bay, it puts a smile on everyone's faces.
-Norv Turner had to game plan for one person, and failed at a historically miserable rate. I wonder what went on at meetings.....
"Well the Vikings have no QB or receivers, so I guess we should stop their running back. Oh wait, wouldn't that make sense, maybe we should just act like idiots and not focus on Adrian Peterson even though he's the only talented player they have on offense. God, I'm brilliant!"
I mean, does Norv wake up in the morning and try to be a moron? If Peterson is running it 30 times at almost 10 yards a carry, you do whatever it takes to stop him. Put 11 guys in the box for God's sake. Considering the starting QB left the game after 12 throws, I wonder what they were gonna do. Phil Rivers is not a good QB when he throws it more than 30 times, he trew it 42 times, the Bolts lost by 18. LT couldn't get going, but AP made up for his production. Too bad Peterson's talent is being wasted this season.
-Someone has lit a fire under Drew Brees' behind, because he's playing unbelievable right now. The Jaguars defense is tough and physical, but Brees tore it up like A-Rod rips up contracts. 35/49 for 445 and 3 TD's? That looks like VooDoo stats to me. Bush and Colston were great, and soap opera superstar Quinn Gray had to throw 33 times, which will always result in a loss. But can the Saints keep up this streak, and can J-Ville get it together in their quest for a WC spot?
-For the great team people say the Redskins have, they certainly don't blow bad teams out. But give credit to them for sticking to their game plan despite being down 17-3. Portis was excellent to offset the mediocre Jason Campbell, and Shaun Suisham knocked five field goals through including the OT winner. But Kellen Clemens and the Jets played well, and they probably would have won if not for some dropped passes in crunch time. But the Jets are tanking while looking competetive, which is certainly the way to go when you sport a 1-7 record. Props to them on that one. The slate gets tough for Washington, and they gotta pick up their play.
-The Bucs may not make it look pretty, but Jon Gruden gets his team ready, and Tampa is getting it done and they hold a division lead right now. They've been riding Earnest Graham recently, and he rushed for 124 and Jeff Garcia guided them to an amazing 12-21 on third downs. Kurt Warner was 10/30, which may be the worst QB performance of the season. That includes some Tarvaris and Harrington games. Rumor has it that to make fun of Warner, his wife Brenda practiced with the team, closed her eyes and completed 11 of 30. This of course if just a rumor. But it's either Warner, Tim Rattay, or they'll bring in Denny Green to throw passes. It could be a long rest of the year for the Cards if they have QB play like that.
-I have underestimated the Cleveland Browns. They could have felt bad for themselves in Seattle when they were down 21-6 in the 2nd quarter, but Coach of the Year candidate Romeo Crennel must have said something, because Cleveland came out playing passionate football and Jamal Lewis ran for 3 of his 4 TD's in the 2nd half to force OT and get the win. Derek Anderson is emerging as a top 10 QB, and Kellen Winslow was the main target. In an unbelievably easy NFC West, the Seahawks could have gotten bigtime separartion but failed. Who'd have thunk that the Browns would be in a position to claim a playoff spot? Put your hand down!
-The Colts had the Patriots on the ropes, but it seemes like their defense wore down late and New England gained control of the line of scrimmage and got two quick TD's to escape with the win. Each team had a player that impressed. Joseph Addai was rediculous in the first half, but Randy Moss was the star of the show in the 4th quarter. The Pats came through in crunch time, but a potential playoff game in New England is very winnable for Indy if they can pound it with Addai. It's like the Colts are the old Pats and the Pats are the old Colts. How weird is that?
-Rising from the depths of the earth to the Black Hole, the unlikely dynamic duo of Sage Rosenfels and Ron Dayne led the Texans to a huge first half, and they held off the Raiders in the 4th. If you're an Oakland fan and got beat by those two, hang your head in shame and/or go into hiding for 48 hours. Josh McCown made people screaming for any of their old QB's which includes Daunte Culpepper, Andrew Walter, Kerry Collins, Aaron Brooks, and Billy Beane. Well, maybe I made up that last one. Justin Fargas was good, but Ron and Sage were too much. Ron and Sage, gotta love that combo.
-In the 4th quarter at the Linc, it seemed like there were more people watching in my den (me) than there were in all of Philly. The Cowboys just straight up dominated then, and T.O. must have been higher than if he would have spent a week with the Williamses Ricky and Montell. Romo was really good, and Dallas gets a big confidence boost going to the Meadowlands.
-No Baltimore, this isn't a nightmare. Nobody will wake you up and tell you that everything is fine. As Shaq would likely say, the Ravens played horriawful. They turned it over, giving Big Ben a short field to work with to pick apart B'More's depleted secondary. Roehtlisberger threw it 16 times and had 5 TD's. James Harrison had a dream game, and the Steelers won big on their legends/throwback night. And Brian Billick's seat is once again warm.