NFL Daily Presents: Analytical Assault Week 7

Across the spectrum, there were all kinds of performances from the good, to the bad, and the ugly; some with wild and wacky finishes. It all goes down now.

Flash Forward
"I hate using caps lock...but it has to be done when something so dumb is going on." "And yes, screwder is now a word, usually used to describe the Falcons."

-Granted that the Ravens probably have a worse offense than Notre Dame right now, but you have to give credit to a decimated Bills defense for putting the clamps on Baltimore, especially given the return of Willis McGahee, who had a very good game as usual. The Bills used a good ball control offense with Marshawn Lynch, Trent Edwards got the ball to Lee Evans when it was necessary, and they only had 3 penalties compared to 11 by Baltimore. The Ravens got down early, forcing Kyle Boller to throw too often and the Bills got a big confidence building win against a good team.
-Tampa Bay outgained Detroit 422-278, and they had the ball for over 35 minutes. How did they lose to the Lions? The two time that they lost the ball, on Jeff Garcia fumbles. They got a rushing TD from Kevin Jones and one from Calvin Johnson, and John Kitna did just enough for Detroit to grab a victory and go to 4-2. If Kitna didn't love Jesus so much, I'd bring him with me to AC to bet on horses or something, because his 10 win guarantee could come to fruition. Earnest Graham had a sensational game running and catching, and Ike Hilliard did his job against a porous Lions defense, but the mistakes were way too costly to earn the win.
-Don't you get the feeling that the Patriots are toying with us sometimes? Let's bring in Vrabel and Seau and try to score, but you can't have fun at our expense. It seemed like the sky was falling on Bill Belichik when Miami got within (gasp and violent shrieks) 21 points, so Tom Brady had to go in and throw his 6th TD pass. Could this be the most dominant untainted statistical season (sorry Barry and Big Mac) in any sport since Wilt in his prime? Since MJ in his heyday? More likely since Wayne Gretzky when he shattered ever single season hockey record. Cleo Lemon played well, but the Ronnie Brown ACL tear adds injury to insult, and the Phins may have to start watching more College Football on Saturdays.
-Both the Saints and the Falcons played pretty poorly, but the Non Flashy Reggie Bush led his team to victory in the 4th quarter? You mean that the glamour plays with the fancy moves aren't always the most important? Heresy, says the Bush SportsCenter Club. Hogwash, say the advertisers. But though the stats were unimpressive, Bush took the next step forward in being the workhorse that New Orleans needs to offset the loss of Deuce McAllister. Atlanta had the ball for over 35 minutes, but they suffered an injury to Byron Leftwich and they didn't get enough yards per carry. And now that Leftwich could miss some time, the Falcons are screweder for an even larger period of time (And yes, screweder is now a word, usually used to describe the Falcons). Harrington played OK, but the team just doesn't have enough talent on offense to succeed.
-If I would have offered Trent Dilfer A-Rod/Boras money to play like barfed out horse crap, he could not have done worse than what he did against the Giants. 2 picks and 2 lost fumbles leading to New York scores. The Niners O-line was swiss cheese, and Eli Manning did enough to make this one a laugher (or more like a wrist slitter for those inclined that way). Frank Gore played well, but he can't do it all himself. They need Alex Smith almost as much as the Southeast needs water (who am I kidding but y'all get my point) and the Niners are going to lose laughers if they keep this pace of play. Brandon Jacobs was able to pound a deflated Niner D that had no reason to play hard given Frisco's inability to get anything done. The Niners need to hang their heads in shame way more than the Giants need to pat themselves on the back.
-The Redskins are really good at winning ugly. Their offense vanished in the 2nd half, they had 160 total yards on offense (and 21 points mainly due to their good D/Kurt Warner) and they only won by the skin of their teeth after Neil Rackers barely missed a 55 yarder. But their defense looks fabulous, possibly enough to win them games in the future. But if they expect to win with this kind of output in New England, they'd be almost as mistaken as that whole WMD thing. Both teams need to regroup and get it together for next week.
-Maybe the Titans forgot in the 4th quarter that they're one of the best defenses in the league, perhaps Sage Rosenfels forgot in the 4th quarter that he sucked, but the one person who didn't have last second amnesia won it for Tennessee: former New York Dragon Rob Bironas, who had the dream day of any kicker, eight FG's, a new record. And you know the defenses take a day off when a man whose first name is a spice and Kerry Collins light it up. And it's even weirder that the Texans scored their 36 points in just over 23 minutes of ball control, AND had 6 turnovers in that 23+ minute span. That is some Twilight Zone stuff right there my friends. The game was dictated by statistical anomalies from the beginning, to the very record setting end.
-I'll give credit for about two seconds to Eric Mangini, his team is still playing hard for him. But you're defense is terrible AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T YANKED PENNINGTON!!! I hate caps lock almost as much as the Red Sox, UConn hoops, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad but it has to be used when something so dumb is going on. And if a 3-4 defense has more holes than a golf course designed by a guy with double vision, switch to a 4-3! It's elementary, my dear Watson who made the Jets D look like they were playing against one of those starting running backs. Pennington played quite well in the first half, but down by 7 with time running out, the Jets call for their patented fade route that gets picked every time (insider sources at SOS actually saw the name of it in the playbook) and in a George Mason-like shocker, it got pick six'd. Game, set, season. On the flipside, the Bengals desperately needed that game. And why is Mangini risking injury to his players by playing the final 37 seconds down by 2 scores? And going for 2? Point differential doesn't count in this league, and even if it did a 1-6 record doesn't help. And back to that flipside, the Bengals need to prepare for a big game against Pittsburgh that could get them back in this bad boy.
-Herm Edwards has seen the light! He was once lost, but now he is found. In a stroke of unadulterated genius, he realized that Larry Johnson is a stud. he rushed 24 times and the offense had perfect run:pass balance. Dwayne Bowe has emerged as the number one receiver, and the defense put the clamps on the Raiders running attack and earned the win, and first place in the AFC West.
-All the Cowboys had to do was stop being stupid, and they had the win right there next to them for the taking. Brad Childress didn't pound Adrian Peterson after their first really successful drive, and Tarvaris Jackson has more letters in his first name than he did completions. If not for 2 turnovers in the first half, Dallas would have been blowing the Vikes out. But it took a blocked field goal returned for a score to get the Cowboys going, and there seems to be a scary trend of Dallas playing down to their competition as of late (see Buffalo game). But the Vikings offense may have more problems than Hollywood, Capitol Hill, and Iraq combined. Here's some advice, Childress: call more runs and watch some BC, Kentucky, and Louisville games.
-Didn't you used to be the Eagles defense? Didn't you used to be Brian Griese? The former heralded replacement for John Elway pulled one when he drove 97 yards for the game winning score, and Philly made like the Browns and allowed a "The Drive". Usually the Bears lose when Griese throws 41 times, but the Philly D laid an egg and got the loss. Maybe this will be a lift for Chicago, but this may be a bigger blow to the Eagles, who may be lost in the NFC East.
-I was walking by my local unemployment office on Monday, and there was a big sign that read, "Spot Saved For Scott Linehan". After the way the Rams have been getting shellacked, he may be more axed than Chris Hanson. (In 2003 Jaguar’s coach, Jack Del Rio brought in a wooden stump and an axe to illustrate his ‘Keep Chopping’ philosophy. He could never have foreseen his punter, Chris Hanson attempting a hearty swing after practice. The punter missed the wood and chopped his leg — landing him in the hospital.) Bulger was awful, the running game was nonexistent, and Will Heller scored 2 TD's on the St Louis defense. With 5 turnovers and a special teams TD, who needs offense if you're the Seahawks when everyone else can do the work for you.
-It was a roller coaster of emotions for both teams in Denver. The Broncos started firing on all cylinders, getting 2 TD's and a big fumble return to take a 21-7 halftime lead. But then it looked like the Steelers got a good halftime speech and were on their way to a win and a 5-1 start and a crushing blow to Denver's season. Jay Cutler led his team down the field and Jason Elam kicked the game winning score. One telling stat I heard, that when Ben Roethlisberger throws it 35 times or more, the Steelers are 3-10. He had 35 on the nose, and he lost when the nose of the football went through the uprights for the Denver win.
-Take that Patriots! The Colts were dominant on both sides of the ball and won handily in Jacksonville against a team that was thought to be a legit threat in the AFC. Indy isn't a Rams style, vertical passing offense anymore. They ran it 33 times at 4.3 yards a carry with both Addai and Keith, and passed it 37 times with Manning, mainly to Reggie Wayne, and then to Dallas Clark to put the icing on the cake. Just to show the improvement of this Colts defense, they allowed 375 rushing yards to the Jaguars the last time they played, only 117 on the ground this time. 2 more weeks until the showdown, and 1 more week until the next Assault.